Cole and I found out we were expecting during the back-and-forth of me wanting to leave and us trying to fix something that was already broken. I took a test and the line was faint—so faint. I was excited but nervous. What if it wasn’t his? The timeline was just right for that one time I stepped out. Cole was thinking the same thing, so much so that he started insisting I wasn’t pregnant. He said when I “miscarried,” I was just late and the mass was nothing but a blood clot.
I knew he was wrong. His mother even confirmed it. But I started to wonder… maybe he was right? Maybe I was just making a big deal over nothing. Every time I brought it up after that, he shut me down and said it wasn’t a miscarriage.
Two months later, I found out I was pregnant again. This time, I had zero doubt. I hadn’t touched another man. The pregnancy was rough—our relationship was rough. Everything I did was always wrong or starting a fight.
I started making friends everywhere. Once we finally moved out of his mom’s house and I wasn’t babysitting all the time, I could take Little Cole to the park and actually breathe. I’d hang out with people I met there—other moms, some teens who needed a “laidback” adult to talk to, and sometimes even men. Innocent. I didn’t want anything physical unless it came from my husband, but the attention was nice.
I was finally back down to my 130 pounds, even though I was a few months pregnant, and the attention kept coming. Looking back, I realize now that attention is never just attention. Guys don’t give it away for free. It usually means they want something in return.
And that’s where the spiral started.
Because when you’re hungry for love and attention, you don’t always see the trap until you’re already inside it.
Leave a comment